


I thought I lost you

by Kell (nervouspunkboy)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergent, Established Relationship, M/M, Post Season 6, Shiro and Krolia are only briefly mentioned btw, mlm author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 13:32:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16265234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervouspunkboy/pseuds/Kell
Summary: They pulled Lotor out of the rift before closing it. No matter what they would have felt too guilty leaving him there to die. Keith lives between two healing pods, waiting for Shiro and Lotor to wake up. Shiro wakes up. Lotor still hasn't. Keith tries to reason with himself what will or could happen to him, to Lotor, to them after all of this. All he wants is for Lotor to wake up, to be himself again. Keith just wants him back for now, the rest can wait until later.





	I thought I lost you

**Author's Note:**

> I definitely cried will writing this. Shout out to accordingtomyresearch for continuing to motivate me to write and also for giving me this prompt!

_“We need to grab Lotor and get out of here!”_  
_“There’s no time,”  
“We can’t just leave him here!” _

Keith hadn’t slept. Well he might have, but he didn’t feel like it. He was sure there were moments he’d let his eyes slip shut but all he could see was the fight. Both fights. Shiro, snarling and charging at him, yelling things that Keith had once feared to hear. That hadn’t been Shiro, he knew that then. The fight with Lotor. Lotor. Who was in a healing pod in front of him right now. They had to pull him out of the rift, Keith would never have forgiven himself if they had left Lotor behind. 

_“But Keith he tried to kill us, did you hear what he was saying?”_

That didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. It was the quintessence. Keith knew, or maybe he was trying to convince himself, that Lotor hadn’t meant any of that. Stress can make people do and say things they never mean. Or maybe it made you say things you had always thought, but didn’t care to filter. No. 

Keith shakes his head, pushing that voice as far out of his head as he can. He puts his face in his hands and sighs before looking back up at the healing pod. The steady, soft, blips of Lotor’s heart beat fill the space. It’s been a constant hum that Keith has paid all attention to. He refuses to leave this spot. Shiro had woken up almost a week ago. Had it been a week? Keith wasn’t sure, time was funny right now. He couldn’t bother to make sense of it. Time didn’t really seem to matter. Shiro was awake, had been for a while now. He was doing great, slowly adjusting to his body and the changes. He wasn’t sleeping much either but he was okay. More okay than he had been in a while. He was here. He was alive. That felt like more than any of them could ask or hope for right now. 

Lotor wasn’t awake yet. Lotor was still in the healing pod. He hadn’t opened his eyes, he hadn’t moved much at all. His skin had felt electric as Keith had pulled him out of Sincline and into the Black Lion, helping him into the healing pod. Lotor had been unconscious but his body had felt like it was vibrating. He was glowing with a purple haze around him. Keith had never been so scared for Lotor’s life before then. Part of him worried that the healing pod wouldn’t help, that Lotor was gone. He’d absorbed so much quintessence, jumping through realities like that, working with it for hours on end. Would Lotor even wake up?

Yes, he would wake up. Keith spent all of his time, between getting both Shiro and Lotor into healing pods arguing with himself. There was a part of him that nagged and hissed saying they were dead, they were gone. The healing pods couldn’t save them. But Shiro pulled through. Lotor would too. Lotor had to pull through. His heart was beating, he was breathing, he was alive and Keith wanted to hold onto that. He needed to, or else he’d have to face something he couldn’t wrap his mind around. 

He wasn’t sure what was going to happen when Lotor woke up. How the rest of them were going to deal with it. After weeks of watching him, lifeless in a pod, the idea of him waking up didn’t seem real. It didn’t seem possible to Keith. He knew the others were thinking the same thing. Whenever Krolia or Shiro came to check on him, they had that look. It was apologetic, worried, and it made his skin crawl. They weren’t confident in Lotor’s recovery. Part of him wonders if some of them didn’t care. He couldn’t blame them. The words that had come from him, in that poisonous voice, echoed through Keith’s mind. Through all of their minds. It was like Lotor had become possessed, turning into his worst nightmare. He had snarled and screamed, calling for their death and relishing in it. Keith had never heard a laugh so devoid of joy and it haunted him. This all would, even when it was over. If it would ever be over.  
He needs to stand. Keith pushes himself up off the floor and walks slowly over to the healing pod. It feels a lot like a fairy tale. He lets out a huff, laughing at the thought. Lotor as Sleeping Beauty. Shiro had been Sleeping Beauty as well. Wasn’t Keith a lucky Prince? Ready to wake two sleeping men. He sighs and places his hand on the side of the healing pod, letting the blips of Lotor’s slow heart beat resonate in his hand. He feels the rhythm, he feels the thin sensation of life Lotor still has. It grounds him, keeps him steady. He’d spent so many nights worried about his friends, worried about Lotor, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to let that paranoia go. He lets his hand move up the pod, till his fingers linger just above Lotor’s cheek. He would be holding his face, if the pod wasn’t in the way. 

Vulnerability is something that Keith has tried to never show, and Lotor would never allow others to see in him. It was something they bonded over, something they worked through together. Keith remembers lying in bed next to him, listening as Lotor spoke softly of what he wanted, what he wished he could be. He wishes he could go back, had been better with words. He wants to be back in his bunk, lying in bed with Lotor, blanket tangled in their legs as they hold hands and matched their breath. He wishes he was cupping Lotor’s sleeping cheek as they napped. Not hovering above him wondering if he’ll come back to life. 

Keith sighs and pulls his hand back, dropping it to his side, clenching it into a fist and unclenching it. His eyes burn and he blinks quickly, hissing as he leans his head back. He’s not going to cry, he can’t cry. If he starts now, he won’t stop. He doesn’t want his mom to see him cry, doesn’t want Shiro to worry. He doesn’t want them all to know how upset he is. He feels guilty for feeling this way. Imagine that, feeling guilty for wanting the man you love to be okay. He rubs his eyes and bites the inside of his cheek, focuses on the pain until he’s centered again. Keith looks back down at Lotor, eyes closed, unmoving and unconscious and his eyes well up again. There’s flashes, violent images of snarling and fangs and this twisted smile. His gut churns and he wants to turn away, think of something else, think of anything else but Lotor and who was. He stays still, looking down at him. That voice creeps back in, leaving a sour taste in his mouth as it whispers. Lotor looked the same now, but he hadn’t before. His face had twisted, pulled into a snarl, his eyes wide and glaring. He was afraid of Lotor waking up the same. Maybe he looked like the Lotor he knew right now, the Lotor who had laughed with him, the Lotor who had kissed his hand, the Lotor who had whispered into the dark that he wasn’t a monster. He didn’t want to be a monster. He had become a monster. 

Keith worried that Lotor was gone. He was terrified, his insides burning in horror, at the idea that the man that he’d fallen in love with was gone. That part might not exist anymore, destroyed out of existence by the consumption of power. His defences pushed back against rejection, against being alone, killed any part of him that had been vulnerable and caring. If he woke up, would he be hard and cold and spit the same words at Keith?  
Keith sighs and leans forward, pressing his forehead to the pod. He doesn’t know what he’s trying to do, other get closer. He just wants to be close to him, he just wants to feel like Lotor is there. He wants him to come back. 

“Come back to me,” he whispers. His voice is soft and broken, his throat dry. It takes effort to get the words out. Keith hadn’t said much to anyone lately, afraid of breaking whatever reality he was in. 

“Lotor, please, come back to me.” He whispers again, he closes his eyes and the tears that had been building slip down his cheeks, dropping onto the pod. He sighs, his breath hiccuping. Keith leans back and rubs his eyes, trying to stop it again. His stomach felt like it sunk to his toes, he wanted to fall to his knees and sob. He could wail and not feel any better, Lotor wouldn’t hear. Lotor wouldn’t come back for that. He tries to form more words, trying to plead with an unconscious man. He misses him, he wants him back, he wants to hold him again, he wants to hear him speak. He wants to work through this. He doesn’t want to live in this in between anymore.

Keith heaves out a breath, keeping his forehead against the pod. He could fall asleep there, and he feels like doing so. He doesn’t really care anymore. He just wants to be close. There’s a sudden shift in the sounds in the room. The blips become faster, less faint and hesitant as before. Keith stands up quickly, his head spinning as he does. He looks at the pod, staring at all the different measurements it’s keeping on Lotor’s body. He looks to Lotor’s face. His eyes are clenching, his mouth has opened, his breathing is faster. He’s waking up. Keith waits, not patiently, almost bouncing on the balls of his feet. He’s muttering oh my god over and over to himself. He doesn’t know what to do. Was this good or bad? Should he run to get Shiro and Krolia? No, he wouldn’t leave Lotor’s side. 

Keith stumbles back as the pod opens and Lotor sits up, very much alive and awake. His eyes are glowing and he’s panting, his chest heaving rapidly. Lotor’s jaw is clenched, fangs bared and he looks ready to bite and snap. For a second, Keith’s worst fears come true. Lotor has come back to him but not the Lotor he knew, not the Lotor who loves him. He’s still vibrating, like the quintessence is still rushing through him and destroying him from the inside out. His eyes are a brighter yellow than Keith has seen before, his pupils are slits and he’s looking around frantically. He doesn’t seem connected to reality, staring ahead of him, panicked.  
Keith puts his hands up in front of him, defensively, just like when he approached Kosmo. 

“Lotor,” he keeps his voice soft, saying the name exactly how he did when the man came to him saying he couldn’t sleep. He didn’t want to sleep alone. “Lotor look at me.” 

His head snaps towards Keith and again, Keith shakes, fear rushing through him. He feels cold and hot all in one, he can feel his throat tightening. Lotor still has his teeth bared, fangs large and prominent. He focuses on Keith, who hesitantly took a step closer. He’s so close to touching him. Keith was confident the minute he made contact, the scene would disappear and he would shoot up awake still leaning on the pod. 

Lotor’s breathing slows and some of the tension leaves his body, less likely to lash out than before. His pupils dilate, more purple taking over the yellow, and the glowing fades. Keith reaches out closer, he’s so incredibly close he can feel the heat of Lotor’s body. 

“Lotor,” he whispers, his voice cracking as he starts to cry. He can’t help it anymore. This is too real. He’s awake, he’s looking at him. He’s here. 

Lotor’s mouth opens and closes, he’s trying to form words but they don’t seem to come to him. His shoulders drop, the tension drains even more. He no longer looks hostile, he looks scared, he looks lost. 

“Lotor, it’s me. It’s Keith, you’re safe, you’re in the Black Lion.” His voice trembles, his cheeks are wet as the tears roll quickly. His lips quivers and he’s shaking but he has never felt such relief. 

Lotor is searching his face, still confused. But he’s not attacking him, he’s not threatening him. This is the best Keith could have asked for.

“Keith,” Lotor croaks and reaches out to him, “is this real?” Keith’s heart shatters and he lets out a laugh that sounds more like a sob. 

“Yes this is real, I’m real. You’re real, you’re here.” Keith rests his hand gently of Lotor’s forearm. 

He looks at Keith’s hand, touching him. The sensation is something they both seem to relish in, holding onto this moment for as long as they can. 

“Lotor, you’re here.” Keith whispers. 

Something seems to click into place for Lotor, his expression changing into one of regret and pain and his lip trembles.  
“Keith, I,”

Before he can finish Keith has pulled him into his arms. He’s wrapped his arms around Lotor’s shoulders and buried his face into the side of his head. 

“I’ve missed you so much,” he sobs, loudly. He doesn’t care anymore. He cries, Lotor’s hair sticking to his cheeks as he does. 

“Keith,” Lotor breathes his name and wraps his arms around his waist and holds him tight. His hand goes to Keith’s hair petting it, “Keith I am so,” 

“I know, I know that wasn’t you, I know that,” Keith chokes on the words, hiccuping. He’s crying too hard to keep a steady breathe. 

“I don’t understand how you can be happy to see me, I don’t know how you don’t want to run,” Lotor is crying too, his voice is shaking and broken. Keith tightens his hold around him, keeping him as close as he can. He isn’t close enough. 

They cry for a while, Keith sniffling and hiccuping into Lotor’s shoulder as he holds him tighter than he’s held anyone in a while. Lotor is shaking as he cries into Keith, his hand holding tight to Keith’s hair at the base of his neck. 

Keith starts to calm down, slowing his breathing and just playing with Lotor’s hair, feeling the soft strands through his fingers to soothe himself. 

“Keith,” Lotor whispers, prompting the young man to pull back. His hands cup Lotor’s face and look into his eyes. “Keith, I,” 

“I know, it’s okay. It’s okay, right now, we don’t,” Keith shakes his head. “It’s too much right now, okay? You just woke up, you’ve, I,” Keith’s words are skipping and he can’t work his mouth and his brain at the same time. He takes a deep breath and he cups Lotor’s cheeks gently, “I thought I lost you.” He whispers. “I thought I lost you for good,” he repeats. 

“I know, I’m so sorry, I know that doesn’t fix what I have done. It doesn’t,” 

“Lotor, listen,” Keith smiles gently as he places his fingers over Lotor’s lips to shush him. “I know we need to talk about this, we will. Trust me, there will be,” he tries to find the words, “We’ll work it out. But I thought you were gone for good and you’re here, you’re alive and I just. I want to enjoy this moment okay? I want to be selfish, for just a second.” 

Lotor smiles, gently and nods, “please, be as selfish as you wish,” he whispers. Keith wraps himself back around him and sighs, no longer crying but just enjoying the weight against him.

Lotor was alive. He was awake, and he wasn’t a monster. He was himself. He hadn’t lost him, and he wasn’t going to.

**Author's Note:**

> come cry with me about Keitor and other things @ little-bi-kingtrashmouth on tumblr or send me prompts!!


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